How to train for a triathlon (when you have no idea what you're doing)

It may sound scary at first but a triathlon is completely achievable for the busy, athletically fickle and, well, homeless. Just follow these easy steps and you'll be jaunting across that finish line in no time.


1) Sign up at least 6 months ahead of time. This gives you the necessary luxury of forgetting that you signed up for anything at all. While decked out in wintery layers the August feat o strength will seem impossibly far away so that it'll seem just plain silly to train.

2) Do as much as possible. No, I'm not talking about the running, biking and swimming required of this event. The DO that will help you is the everyday tasks. Working? Ask for more responsibilities, take on more shifts or opt for those consecutive conferences across the continent. In school? Make sure that the final three training months correspond with your capstone project, final thesis or (at least) finals. You want to spread out the worry. Dwell on other things besides the fact that you haven't run more than a mile in six months. If your schedule is a little too, shall we say, open, might I recommend moving, dog sitting or trying to get a VISA. One or all of these items will make a 24-mile bike ride seem like a vacation.

3) Get a bike. Yeah, you'll need one. But don't get caught into the whirl wind chaos of a bike that works. No. You really just need two wheels and a seat. Why not take the time to go vintage. Opt for fun over function. Two brakes are for wimps and you'll just be showing off with foot cages or, ha, shoe clips.

4) The week before the tri, lock your bike to a street lamp and loose not just the main key but the two back-up keys. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and things are no different when you can't hop on that sea-foam green monster and peddle away.

Lucky for you, you went for vintage so no one in their right mind cared to pry the chain off that puppy. So you'll have to shell out $85 for a friendly young keysmith to come grind the chain off.

He'll be lovely and that mac & cheese you order and eat on the street corner while he finds his way are just the perks.


5) Don't give into the 'swimming in open water' hype until the very last minute. That 70-degree pool water is totally close to the experience of maneuvering the white-peaked waves of Lake Michigan. Sure, the weather may experience some unseasonably cold dips and storms may threaten, but you're tough. right? Well, if you're feeling iffy get your mits on a wet suit. "Professionals" may try to talk you into a real wet suit - the seamless, neoprene, full-body kind. But that's just plain silly. And, actually, two days before the tri, will be impossible to find. Sooooo jump into a child's surf suit. You get the added benefit of a brightly-colored patches that set you apart from every other competitor. And when everyone else is a little too toasty in their suit, you'll be cool as a cucumber with bare legs and arms exposed. It'll put hair on your chest. And - bonus - the wet suit becomes your adult depends when you forget to pee in the lake.

6) Finally, an awesome cheerleading section is a must! Good friends screaming their heads off will be better than any energizing GU they throw at you.


It was brutal and ridiculous and I definitely threw up a little in my mouth before starting but, damn, crossing that finish line was the BEST FEELING EVER.
Get into it.